-3 Trying Weight Watchers, and really giving 100 percent. So hard!

Not Happy

So I gained weight. I know, right! That's is so not awesome. Remember in Pilgrims Progress how Christian was on a good journey trying to accomplish a good thing, but bad things kept happening ? I feel ya Christian.

BUT instead of throwing myself at the mercy of messrs. Ben & Jerry, I will soldier on! Today I went shopping, and I did good. I think. I am trying anyhow. I bought chicken breast patties for sandwiches, sandwich thins bread ( 100 calories), Tomato, lettuce, Low fat cheese, and Special K crackers ( eww, sooo gross, Whaaaaaahhh, I thought I was going to choke to death and die!) and salsa. For the kids I bought A Gordita kit, and I am going to have Blueberry morning cereal with skim milk instead when they have it. I love Blueberry morning, that stuff rocks.

Oh and when my husband stopped at Starbucks to surprise me this morning, I ordered a frappuccino light-hold the whip. So, making some progress here. Maybe losing weight is like quitting smoking, it super sucks while you are fighting the good fight, but it is a year later, you can't remember why you ever did something so dumb? When I quit smoking I had all these horrible little "flare ups" where I really suffered, I mean I felt horribly ill, irritable, craving like crazy, it was like fighting a demon.
I know we are only talking about a little diet and exercise here, but this is not easy, I feel like I am fighting a demon.

So today I have eaten
blueberry morning cereal with skim milk
4 slices of low fat cheese, with about 10 special k crackers
2 16 oz glasses of water
1 Frappuccino light, no whip cream.

For dinner I am planning the chicken sandwiches, and I have some watermelon for my night time snack. Danny nurses a ton, so I get pretty hungry around midnight, that's where the watermelon comes in.

I can do this. Right?

Right-O

So... now I know how much I weigh. Thanks to a wonderful and sweet friend, I have an amazing new scale. *drumroll* I weigh 291 pounds. For now. I am an intelligent person who is great at meeting goals, and I CAN, and I WILL do this.

I am so blessed that my husband loves me know matter my size, and my children do too. But I am so unhappy, heavy bulky and awkward.

A friend just sent an amazing PM explaining about carbs, and weight loss, so bye-bye bagels. I can so do better than this.

Now let's talk about excercise. I am thinking about getting some dumbells, a dvd, and one of those bouncy ball dealies. What do you think?

Oh. No so good

Well peoples ( as my daughter says),
I did not do awesome today.

I ate :
2 eggs, over medium so good, cooked in Smart Balance with corned beef hash. I know!!

I had a Quaker oatmeal to go square for a snack

skipped lunch then had some Rondele Pub Cheese, with Pepperidge Farm Cheese Crisps

A Lloyds barbeque beef sand which for dinner <<< no veggies, Oh noes!

Quaker Oatmeal to square for a snack, and to be completely honest I am craving chocolate SO bad that after I nurse Danny ( who i s eyeballing me fiercly) I am going to swipe 1 of hubbys peanut butter chocolate bad fattening thingys.

So I suck a little bit.

But I did good too. When I ran to Blockbuster tonight I politely declined the shelves of TASTY GOOD things like Sour Patch Kids, and when H offered to stop and have some cokes together for a few minutes of grown up time I drank water.

I may have a solution to my Frappucinno dilemna. A Blender. I super duper love fruit. So I figure I toss a bunch of frozen fruit in a blender, and have a frothy cold beverage to enjoy. WAAAAY better for both Danny and I.

Also I bought fat free whipped cream today. So I am starting to get the hang of this new way of thiking and living. ..... I think.

PS No excersise today, what am I thinking?

I am so fat

How fat am I ? Well I guess the real punchline is that I don't even know. Wut Wut? I do NOT even have a scale. Lets say between 280 and 303 pounds. You know the lady in the grocery or Mart store that you look at and say " Thank God I am not that fat"? I think I am her. How did I get here? I was not always a fat kid. I do have hypo thyroid, and it is bad, but this is ridiculous.

I disgust myself. I love myself. I am smart. I am somewhere between pretty and beautiful. My fat butt is making my back hurt too much. I have CELLULITE on my ucky stomach! There is fat on my back. and arms :( I am a great Mom, I am funny and fun. I have no energy.

This has to go. I am very good at accomplishing goals when I set my mind to it. Very good. So I am setting my mind to changing my weight and health. Come with me.

Last night I bought Smart Balance instead of butter. Then I bought Donuts. I had 1 for breakfast. It was cherry flavored and had glaze on it. I really should regret it but I don't. I had a salad for lunch but it had croutons. And Blue cheese dressing. Much too much, blue cheese dressing. I am hungry right now. Crap!

Welcome to my world. I need to lose serious weight. Maybe 100 pounds. I WANT the surgery but I think it is too risky for me. I have 5 amazing children to care for. So Goals:

buy a scale already ( need to set aside money for this)
Lose weight
Possibly use Alli later when the baby is weaned.
Definitely save money to try and join Weight Watchers online
Try to save money to join the YMCA

figure out how to start losing weight on my own for now.
Frappacinos are my enemy. what to do?
Exercise.... I get so tired, what can I do?